DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
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It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.