I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??