guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck