I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.