Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.