Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.