Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The Olympian is in my bed
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.