Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You blew him?!?!
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.