I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.