How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye