Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?