The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dating After Heartbreak
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level