I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."