Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.