also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.