My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
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I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
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I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman