I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
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Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...