I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will