Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love