He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
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You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.