I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
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You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.