It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
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I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
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Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer