I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.