She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.