He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.