i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart