When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.