Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....