My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
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I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
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I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...