She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
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I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs