it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.