how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her