I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
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I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.