I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.