Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
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DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science