We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist