Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.