and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.