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Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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