She tied me up with her honor cords...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.