At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
