I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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