He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
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I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.