This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce