Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Wisconsin (608)

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  You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.

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  (608): You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied. http://tfl.nu/sqjw
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  I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.

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  (608): I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay. http://tfl.nu/ttff
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  If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

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  (608): If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome. http://tfl.nu/khdb
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  You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

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  I like taco bell too

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  (608): You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal" (1-608): I like taco bell too http://tfl.nu/tqnv
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  can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?

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  (608): can we please move this conversation out of my vagina? http://tfl.nu/qzib
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  Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.

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  (608): Im mastering the way to pass gas silently. http://tfl.nu/n26o
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  From behind she looks like Richard Simmons

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  (608): From behind she looks like Richard Simmons http://tfl.nu/z6dn
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  Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

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  At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

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  Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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  (608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199
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  i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.

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  (608): i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest. http://tfl.nu/jvc2
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  Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth

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  (608): Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth http://tfl.nu/9wx7
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  i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.

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  (608): i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross. http://tfl.nu/qmd2
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  Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.

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  (608): Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows. http://tfl.nu/05tf
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  and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.

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  (608): and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet. http://tfl.nu/bxi6
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  So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him

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  Just another sign I need to get out of this town

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  (608): So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him (608): Just another sign I need to get out of this town http://tfl.nu/jzm5
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  it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now

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  (608): it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now http://tfl.nu/jhc8
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