I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot