i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.