You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dating After Heartbreak
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What drink are we having for lunch?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous