When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What drink are we having for lunch?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.