I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.