I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags