Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
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Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
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Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?