I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.