Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.