when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy