I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
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Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.