I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
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I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.