I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
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thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.