I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
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this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.