I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel