being pregnant is like rehab
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.