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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Did I show you my penis last night?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
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