She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dating After Heartbreak
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.