I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
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There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.