Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone