I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.