She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.