Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes