My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?