I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."