I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.