He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.