Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?