You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...