I don't want my vagina anymore.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.